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30 Minutes Or Free/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man who looks both ways after he crosses the street, your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) thank you! Nice outfit, harold. Thank you very much. This is quite a day. Our chests are so puffed out with pride, they stick out almost past our stomachs. You'll never guess what happened today. The possum lodge peewee hockey team won the regional finals! (cheering and whistling) how about that, huh? I gotta tell you, it was classic hockey. Hitting, cross-checking, elbowing, lots of blood... That was just the parents. I sure hope they don't start a food fight at the hockey banquet. The parents are having a banquet? Excellent! Oh, no, no, we are. We sponsored the team and they're going to the finals. It's up to us to have a banquet for them -- it's tradition. We'll be breaking that tradition. No, you can't -- it's expected. The kids expect it, and more importantly, the parents expect it. You don't want to upset them. Surely the lodge can throw a little hockey banquet. Well, let's see. The lodge has about 23 bucks, harold. We can't use all that 'cause the lodge has to pick up milk and bread. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. Looks like we'll go ahead with this banquet 'cause the team we sponsored won the darn regional finals. Price of success, I guess. They got the parents coming in. They want us to clean the lodge a bit. (audience laughing) probably needed it anyway. Uncle red! Uncle red, I got the trophies for the banquet. I got 'em all -- the m.V.P., the m.V.P., the m.V.P., the m.V.P., m.V.P., and the m.M.V.V.P.P. (audience laughing) you got five most valuable player trophies? No, no, let's see -- got, um... That's, uh, most volatile player... (laughing) most verbal profanity... (laughing) most vulgar player... Moving violation with a puck... (laughing) and what about the m.M.V.V.P.P.? Major maiming of a vulnerable victim's private parts. (laughing and applause) (cheering) wow. I didn't get a most valuable player trophy. What about this brass cup? This is the thumbston cup. That's a beauty. Donated by dr. Thumbston, the dentist. Teeth in there, harold? Whatever player loses the most teeth, they go in here. He makes them into an upper or lower plate, your choice. That's really neat. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Speaking of chewing, how's the planning of food going? It's all under control. Have a little faith. I have faith, the team has faith. What they're really gonna want is food! (audience laughing) (red): Here's a teaser for the adventure with bill... Hi, bill. ... The adventure with bill, coming up later. Bill and harold are gonna work on this one. They got a do-it-yourself... It's a do-it-yourself log cabin kit. Quite a big unit. And, uh... May not go that well, I'm thinking at this point. If you get injured just opening the box, that's a sign from god to buy one already built. Kind of an unusual kit. I'll tell you one thing. The company's into packaging in a big way. What have you got? There's your do-it-yourself kit -- a couple of axes... Oh, boy. A couple of axes, and a couple of-- ohhh! Don't be doing that, harold. If you're not having kids, maybe it's a good idea. Ohhh! I would think that would hurt, but with harold, you just never know. Oh, I see -- all right. This is important for you youngsters watching who want to do things. You really are never any sharper than your tools. You can see these are two guys in big trouble. Maybe this one's all right. No? Oh, yeah, that one's fine, that's fine. Bill always questions everything, don't you? Ahhh! It's a good policy. There they are -- they're fine. They've got the grinder going. Ohhhh! We're down to one axe, are we? Just down to one axe now? No, ok, he brought 'er back. He's gonna sharpen that, 'cause the other one was sharp. Watch out for the sparks... And there's some sparks. That could... That's the kind of sparks that could ignite clothing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh, by golly. All right, get something. Harold, get something. Never mind, it's fine, we're fine. Ohhhh! Ohhh! Oh, boy. We'll come back once we buy some more insurance. ♪ ohhhh... Pizza in the kitchen ♪ ♪ pizza in the hall ♪ ♪ pizza on the carpet and halfway up the wall ♪ ♪ pizza in the parlour ♪ ♪ pizza on the floor ♪ ♪ it's not actually pizza ♪ ♪ we just forgot to put the lid on the food processor ♪ this is the big one! For the grand prize of an electric hammer and glue, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Dalton humphreys of humphreys' everything store to say this word. Charity. Charity. And go! All right, dalton. In the bible, it says this begins at home. Arguments. When you give money to a good cause, you donate to a... ... A mutual fund. You're not expecting money back. It's a... ... Savings account. Ok, united way is a... ... Nuisance! We're almost out of time. Family comes into your store. They have no money, five kids. You got crappy used toys. Woman comes and says, "if I buy four toys, can I have the 5th toy for nothing?" what do you think I'm running? A charity? (laughing and applause) that's it? This week on "handyman corner", I want to show you how you can do a vehicle upgrade that I've always wanted to do, but couldn't afford, until harold explained that anything on this show is a tax write-off. Harold's on the show and he's a complete write-off. He must be right. I do a lot of off-track driving in this vehicle, not necessarily on purpose. The steering and brakes are... Well, that doesn't matter. Up till now, I've been like that blanche dubois. I've relied on the kindness of strangers. I won't have to do that any more. I'll pull myself out of ditches from now on. Look what I got in here! Huh? A one-ton winch. I just gotta hook that up to the front bumper and bob's your aunt -- it's the '90's. (grunting) all right, no sense getting my condition flared up. I'll get a tool to help me. The right tool for the job. That's what I say when things go wrong. I say that a lot. Try that under there. (grunting) by golly, she's... She's a heavy unit. I'll just push that out with my feet. Always had strong legs. Real proud of that. All right, stand back. (grunting) well, um... I need a lever of some kind to... I got a better idea. Why don't we let the tool do the work? All I gotta do... Hook the chain onto the front bumper, turn on the winch and let it pull itself. I'll go hook 'er up. Man, dark down here. Is that shock absorber leaking? Maybe it's the differential... It's both! I keep catching the pants on everything. Good place for a party. That rad's leaking... So's the transmission, the engine... It's like it's raining here. (grunting) man! Ohhh... Not too bad. We just take this, hook 'er onto the bumper, and then let the winch pull itself. Let the tool do the job. That's what I said when I made harold producer. All right, I got my chain around the grille and man, she is solid. The grille isn't, but the chain sure as heck is. I've got cables hooked up to take electricity from the battery to the winch -- she's hooked right-- yeah! Lots of power. We're all set and I just flick 'er on and just flick a switch and stand back and let the winch do the work. My kind of project. Hope I got enough power cable on there. There she goes again. Must be more than I thought. Golly, that's not supposed to happen. I'll turn that winch off. She's way up there now. This is a good thing 'cause I can use this opportunity to check the entire electrical system. That light bulb's burnt out. Never would have seen that. Look at those spark plugs. They need to be gapped. Yeah, by golly, that needs repair. The winch is a fabulous thing. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I should pull the engine out, too. Oh, here it comes now. Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. Want to talk to you guys about a disturbing fad. Self-help books -- you seen these things? Yeah, they're in the bookstore. Odd titles, things like "diapering your inner child." (laughing) "women are from venus, men are in the basement." "the seven devious habits of successful people." I don't know about you, but the last thing I want is an inner child from venus who's more successful than I am. We should all back off on the self-help thing. We need another kind of book to help men, with titles like, "hey, men are pretty much perfect the way they are." or "everything I need to know about life, "I learned in the hardware store." I know one. "self-esteem through absent-minded scratching." that would probably be a movie. We should ease off on the self-help because it could be dangerous. You could end up being over-improved for the neighbourhood in which you live, if you catch my drift. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause) the parents and kids and everything, the hockey players, they're down in the basement, getting ready for the banquet. Things are cranking up pretty good. Harold's entertaining them. He's getting a sing-song going. (harold): Owww! Owww! Stop that! Stop it! That's not funny! Someone's gonna get hurt and there's gonna be trouble! All right, that's serious! That-- ok, ok, that's it! Ha-ha! No more games! (shouting) all right, something's gonna break! (glass breaking) (laughing) uncle red! Where's the food? They're going crazy -- it's like a riot! Can't the parents control them? Those are the parents! The kids are outside, playing basketball! We gotta get food! Then they'll put down their weapons. All right, you tell 'em pizza's on the way. Pizza's on the way! You tell them, harold. I'm going back in! All right, all right! Ohhh! Ok! I saw you! I know who that is! I'm gonna tell your children! Come on, come on... Hello, pizza shack? This is red green at possum lodge. I want 20 large pizzas, everything on 'em. Yeah, I'll pay cash. If they're not here in 30 minutes, they're free? Yeah, all right, bye. Junior, tell the guys. Put nails on the road, burn the van, block the bridge, shoot out the porch light, switch the street signs. (applause and cheering) (siren) possum 911, can we help you? Uh, red? Yes, sir! Is that red? Right here. That's red right there. That's not red. I'm harold -- that's red. Would you put red on? Red's right here! I'm here! Uh, red? Is that you? Yeah! Talk to me, red! Is that you, really? He's right here, if you want to talk!! Who's that, now? That was harold. I'm red -- go ahead. That you, red? Did you say "fred" or "red"? Red's here -- I'm harold -- you're talking to red. Could you get a message to red? I'll do my best! Uh... Are you there, red? Time to put a door on the microwave, all right? I am the leader of possum lodge! You're actually talking to me but it won't last forever, if you get my drift! I am the actual red green! Red green? Yeah. Oh... Honey, we got the wrong number. Ohhhh! (red): Meanwhile, back at the ranch... Ohhh... Must be dinnertime. The brain trust of possum lodge is working on the log cabin. What? Boy, that's an odd thing. That would be a haunted log. They're looking for logs to make their log cabin. There's one -- that's a pretty good one. Bill wants it a certain length and tells harold where he wants-- oh, by golly! (laughing) hey! You know, here's a lesson. It's a good idea to bring a pencil. This is not-- oh, boy! This is not the way to do it. So far, you're just lucky. You're not gonna be lucky-- that's what I'm saying. Oh, boy... Oh, boy... Oh, boy. Ohhh! Just cut the watch. (laughing) just in the nick of time, we call that. All right... Oh, this is good. Harold holds the log. Ok, good, ok. That makes perfect sense to me. Uh... Kids? Don't try this anywhere, all right? There goes the log again. ♪ rollin', rollin', rollin' ♪ they're gonna go something heavier... Looks like you guys are a bit stumped, huh? That's too much juice. That's not gonna work. Oh, by gosh. Let's skip this part. Don't be lookin' at that. Read a book for a second. We'll get back to you. Ok, bill's got an idea. That should work -- right. Oh, this is interesting. We're going back to the pioneer days before they even had livestock. And they would run ropes around things and get the bigger women to pull on that. Look at that -- look at the... Ohhh! Ohhh! Ohhh! Careful, guys! Ok, they're gonna-- ok, they fixed 'er up. Got a better knot and got 'er wound round more times. Wrap that around your neck. Pull the same way, harold. The thing with this is, you gotta have both guys of equal strength. I think maybe harold's a little weak in that area. Actually, harold's weak in every area. Bill, pulling as hard as he can, doesn't realize that he's wrapped harold in around the... Oh, boy! Oh, boy! You've cut off his... You know, that thing that he has. You cut that off -- it's completely cut off. Bill, you might want to get that out. I don't think he's faking. Here's the thing-- oh, boy! I wouldn't recommend-- oh, boy! I would not recommend this as a way of removing... Oh, all right, ok. In this one instance, it worked fine, but don't forget -- we can edit. All right, they're all set, and, uh, bill... (glass breaking) the van was close by. Bill has another idea -- two saws. How are you gonna make a log cabin? (sawing) oh, for gosh sakes! Eh? There's the kit! (laughing) you guys have no chance. Oh! What a waste of time. Look at this "chain saw", sent by a viewer. My favourite part of the show, where we examine the words men find so hard to say... (audience): "I don't know!" (laughing) I love that part. Joining my uncle red on the expert part is mr. Winston rothschild of rothschild sewage and septic sucking services. Ladies and gentlemen, winston rothschild. (applause and cheering) thank you. I'm a good guy to know when you can't go with the flow. (laughing) charming... All righty. Letter goes as follows... "dear experts, I never had a strong fashion sense. "I don't have a girlfriend to shop with me "so I'm not sure how wide a stripe to get on a shirt "to complement my green-and-yellow plaid pants." wahhh! Boy! Says he doesn't have a girlfriend. Go figure, huh? But hey, guy, I know where you're comin' from. Hopefully, somewhere dark. (red): Come on, now, harold. I'm saying that a lot of men hate to go shopping for clothes. Huh! Speak for yourself, captain flannel. I just love shopping for snappy new outfits for myself. Sure, I think of myself as the calvin klein of sewage. As a great man once said, he said, uh, "you are what you wear." I thought it's "you are what you eat". I spill stuff on my shirt so they're all covered. What you need to do is hook in to world-famous self-help guru anthony anthony, author of the book "don't have a crappy life". (audience laughing) anthony anthony says that what we wear says a lot about ourselves. See, red, your outfit, it basically says, "I'm laid-back, sloppy, and really really married." (laughing) whereas harold over here, that just screams "I'm energetic, I'm nervous, and inexperienced with girls." (audience laughing) two very opposite looks, two very opposite personalities. Winston, we are wearing exactly the same unit, here. You are? Yeah! Yeah! Because you have more of the... No, no, not really. But harold doesn't have half as much... No, no, it's the same, uh... Maybe it's not so much what you wear. It's how you wear it. (laughing) you put your foot in it, didn't you, mr. Rothschild? That's why he has hip-waders. (laughing and applause) 29 minutes and still no pizza delivery! (shouting) we're 60 seconds away from a free banquet. I hope those obstacles don't stop the guy completely. If those pizzas are late... Those hockey parents will level this place. 30 seconds to go! (car door closing) pizza's here! What?! Oh, no!!! Yeah, what? You won't believe this. After you ordered, I went out to make sure the porch light was on so he could find us. You know what? What? It was shot out! Ohhh, harold! It was weird, 'cause when I turned it on, I saw smoke coming from mercury creek bridge. Know what I saw? (together): A van on fire! Yeah, just on fire! I told the pizza guy to take the short way. What short way? Across the lake in a boat. Ohhhh, my gosh! Lucky I saw flames -- he might have been an hour. Gosh, that was lucky! Here's the bill. There's the bill right there -- $315.75. Oh, my... I'll take these down, if you'll pay him. All right, harold. Harold, you know, you are an m.V.P. Well, thank you very much. Don't forget to tip him. (audience laughing) I'm coming! I'm coming, you...! If my wife is watching, I'm not gonna be coming home for a while. I'm going to the pizza shack. I'll be washing pans for a certain amount of time. Probably be painting the place and tuning up their delivery trucks. (crying) I'm not really hungry anyway, so... Everybody else... See ya. (laughing and applause) (possum squeal) everybody want pizza? (shouting) there's some over there! There's pepperoni here! The double-cheese is-- no, double-cheese is there! Now, somebody wanted no-anchovies! No-anchovies is... This is no-anchovies. That's no-pizza, really. You know, there's high fibre in the box! Don't negate the box! To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!